Dr. Srini Pillay From Harvard – How and Why Your Fears Are Holding You Back

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Are you ready to overcome all your fears?

Hi friends,

I wanted to share this video from a past programme, The Having It All Challenge. We had attendees break through their fears. Can you? Watch the video.

Steering Through Uncharted Waters

Long ago I read about a study on goal setting. This study revealed that the number one reason most people do NOT write down their goals is for fear of not achieving them.

The best acronym I’ve ever heard for fear is:

(F)alse (E)motions (A)ppearing (R)eal

Never let fear take you off course before you’ve even left the harbor!

It’s very easy—and normal—for a captain to get scared when entering uncharted waters. But this is your life—your ship—and if you want to get to your destination, you must sail on.

I use this analogy for some of my business coaching and of course it applies to every day life as well: when we get caught in life’s storm, fear begins to set in if we do not know how to handle the inclement weather. Great captains learn to chart their course and prepare as best as they can for the storms. They learn to use the wind to fill their sails, not destroy them.

You can learn to be a great captain of and for yourself. It will take more than a certified life coach to help get you there; it will take your time and your effort. Yet, honestly, it is no more time and/or effort than living a mediocre life. It’s up to you.

For you to make headway in your journey, you must be totally honest about where you are today. It serves no purpose to lie to yourself about where you currently are. You must understand that where you are now is only the result of past thinking and planning (or lack of either or both).

Give it some deep thought. This will helps you assess your physical, mental, and spiritual health to reach greatness in living the life of your dreams.

You can achieve new results if they are carefully thought through and monitored so your outcome is consistent with your desires and dreams. So what are you waiting for—anchors away! Time to allow the law of attraction to work for you!

A great story to reflect upon

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling.

It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me what you see.”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its richness and savored its aroma.

The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?”

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity – boiling water. Each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?”

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get even better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Crossing the Line of Fear

I remember when I was younger and in school, fear stopped me from asking out a girl I wanted to date. I can remember all the thoughts of different things I wanted to say and how I would ask her out. But as quickly as the thoughts to ask her out popped in my head, I came up with all the reasons why she might say no. I remember the “feeling” of rejection and embarrassment even though I didn’t even pick up the phone! It’s as real in my mind right now as it was then.

I didn’t understand it then but I certainly do today.

Do you ever have any thoughts of fear that cause you to not to move ahead with any of your dreams or goals?

Every human on earth at one time or another feels this “fear” and reverts back into their “safety” or comfort zone. The system was created to protect us in times of real danger but we must learn when danger is real or caused by our imagination of what may happen…again.

What ability causes one person to face and overcome possible rejection at work, in school or in a relationship? On the other hand what causes someone to be paralyzed by a mere thought?  Consider the following:

  • A man who goes after business like a tiger may be uncomfortable with women and therefore not be able to approach a woman for fear of rejection.
  • A woman who is miserable in a relationship may be petrified at the thought of saying anything to her spouse in fear of the potential discussion or backlash.
  • A child may not seek out other children to play with at school in fear of rejection.

The list can go on and on, from fear of leaving your job, to fear of hurting yourself if you try something new. So, what is really going on, and how can we stop this once and for all?

First and foremost, understand that fear is a very common feeling and we all have one fear or another. The “feeling” of fear is almost solely based on what we think may happen if we try and fail. It is different than actually knowing that we will hurt ourselves if we fall 20 stories from a building.

Most fears are illusions we create in our own head, based on past conditioning and not based on what is possible. As children we are natural born risk takers and for the most part we are fearless. The meaning we give an experiences when we do not achieve the result we want, determines how we “see” and “feel” the next opportunity that seems like the one we’ve experienced in the past.

If we experience rejection more times than we care to, we tend to mentally label the experience a negative one. Over time, this becomes our belief, and our beliefs, as you already know, becomes our reality.

But…:

  • What would happen if we changed the meaning of an experience we didn’t like?
  • What if we learned to label the experience a learning one or an interesting one?
  • Do you think your tolerance level would increase for trying again?

I have learned that people who really succeed in various areas of life often frame their experiences differently than those who quickly label the experience as a negative one.

When we feel fear, we are playing a mental track that is not conducive to growth. All growth comes from stretching oneself past the comfort zone that limits us. Risk is a necessary part of the reward. You cannot have one without the other.

Let me suggest that you start to label your experiences in a way that serves you rather than limits you.

We have very few limits except the ones that we set on ourselves. And those are mostly out of fear from the past. Do not let your past control your present thinking. Step out and grow. Step out of your comfort zone and be free again!

John